They/Them

I’m going to be using they/them going forward. Not because this aligns with any “true self”, but simply because it is a more accurate portrayal of the way the world already is.

All language has limitations. It has to, inherently. The map cannot give you every detail of the territory, unless it is itself every bit as complex as the territory itself, which defeats the purpose and usability of the map. Gender, however, has more limitations than most terms, and less usefulness. Gender identity is every bit as valid as personal identity. That is to say: personally, whatever you want – ultimately, none.

This isn’t a rejection of something that used to exist; it’s seeing that it never did. It’s exactly analogous to the idea of a self. You can look for it—honestly, without assuming what you’ll find—and you just won’t. There are thoughts, sensations, arisings … and that’s it. It took the better part of a decade to see this directly. Logically, the idea of a self falls apart almost immediately. But that's not the same as seeing it.

Now, it is continually obvious. It's not "belief", it's direct seeing. The same way you can directly feel gravity, without believing in it. There’s no base of “self” that thoughts are launching from, no cause beyond the prior arisings. It’s a mirage. If I could do so without butchering normal language usage, I’d stop using first-person pronouns. Not because they’re evil, but because they reify nothing into “something”. Yet there’s no good alternative there, so I’ll keep saying I.

Third person, however, is different. There’s an already existing gender-neutral solution. It’s not ideal for clarity to use the same word for both singular/plural, but that's also the case for “you”, yet we’re not bringing back “thou” for singular and having an exclusively plural “you” again. So I’ll just deal with a little ambiguity.

To be clear: I’m not against people claiming whatever gender identity they want. E.g., I’m completely on board with transgender people. They’re trying to express something important about themselves, and I don’t begrudge them using whatever language they need to.

It’s similar to “pride”. I never understood why you’d be proud of something you didn’t choose, whether that’s being gay or being American. This year, I finally got it. It’s not about being proud in a vacuum. It's not even necessarily literal pride. It’s a response to the prevailing cultural message that you should be ashamed if you’re different, and in that context it makes perfect sense.

Ultimately, I’m not telling anyone else how to use language. If your sense of gender lines up with society’s closely enough, you’ll probably never reach the point where its inherent fuzziness becomes an issue. Personally, I’m stepping out of it.

• Sean