Acceptance

I'm weak, and I don't like it. Oh, not in any absolute sense. I'm still probably above the 90th percentile for physical strength. But I am the about the weakest I've been in a decade.

2023 has been a great year for me. I had my first wedding anniversary. I competed in a track and field competition with my Dad, as well as a powerlifting meet. I've largely figured out my pain, and have been consistently pain-free since August, for the first time in years. I've learned a lot about myself, and about how to interact with people. There are many ways in which 2023 has been amazing. My physical training, though, has not been one of them.

There's no shortage of reasons for this, from a month-long vacation to my own failed training experiments, but the end result is the same. Averaging across lifts, I'm down about 15% from my peak strength.

I'll be the first to say this is not a major problem in any real sense. Overall, I've had a very easy life. I've had a few difficulties, sure, but I've always had a roof over my head, overall great health, and no major conflicts to worry about. Even that much is only true for a minority of the world, and I've been lucky in many more ways. I've been incredibly privileged, and not being at peak strength is barely a problem even by first-world problem standards.

That said, it's not easy to keep perspective. What is easy is having a certain self-image in mind, an idea of what I should be lifting. But that's not helpful, and I'm coming to feel the truth of that, rather than just knowing it intellectually.

I gave a few thoughts on meditation in my last post. I know the most popular non-religious use of meditation is stress relief, and there are plenty of scientific studies showing the effectiveness of its use for that, but I've always found the insight portion of the practice more important. Understanding what it means for there to be no self seemed more important than lowering my blood pressure a few points.

Recently, though, I've come to realize that stress reduction is not a minor benefit, and is in fact something I could definitely use. I've long been aware that my life is objectively easy, as I mentioned above, and thus I've never considered myself all that stressed. But with the help of some outside perspective (being married is awesome!), I've come to realize how false that is. It should have been obvious: I withdrew from the semester when UA went back to in-person classes, because I couldn't handle being around that many people for that long at a time. Somehow, that still didn't clue me in.

Back to the main point: I'm weak, and I don't like it. So what should I do about it? I could maintain the self-image I subconsciously have, of someone with my previous levels of strength. The outcome, as I've experienced multiple times, is frustration and further weakening. I should be able to overhead press 200 lb, so when I struggle with 150, I'm baffled and frustrated, and may call off the workout entirely, thinking something must be wrong.

Or, I could not. I could accept where I am, and work on growing from here. This has always been an option, but it's never been one I realized. Not really, not on a gut level. Somehow, it's taken years of meditation, and years of being in a loving relationship, to help me realize that I can fight reality all I want, but I'm not going to win.

I dislike a lot of things about how the world is, and right now my strength level is one of them. But I don't have to suffer because of that. I can take action to change those things without letting them make me miserable. Misery isn't even a good motivator. It doesn't make me work harder, but instead makes me want to avoid confronting the truth I don't like.

So I'll accept reality. I'll accept it, because the alternative doesn't work. I'll accept it, and work on changing it, without beating myself up for letting it get to this point. I hope you can do the same.